Six Truths of Being a Young Adult With Metastatic Cancer

As a young adult, there are many things in life that you prepare for. Things like going to school, getting a job, learning to live on your own, buying a car, renting and/or buying a house, the list goes on and on. Despite being prepared for a variety of life events, no one ever really prepares you for a cancer diagnosis, especially at such a young age.

A young adult with melanoma

I was diagnosed with stage IV melanoma when I was just 29 years old. I hadn’t even turned 30 yet, and somehow I found myself in the midst of a life-altering storm. I was supposed to be in the prime of my life and suddenly I was stuck spending all my time at a cancer center with folks twice my age. It was like I became the star of my own worst nightmare.

Being a young adult with cancer is insanely isolating on a multitude of levels. It’s hard, it’s messy and confusing as f**k. (I wouldn’t be a true millennial if I didn’t throw an “AF” in there, right?)

Truths about being the young person with cancer

Here are six insane (yet true) things about being a young adult with cancer.

1. Your life phase is no longer their life phase

You find yourself in an entirely different phase of life than those around you. If you’re in your mid-to-late twenties, your friends are probably getting married, starting families, traveling, buying houses, you know, all of those exciting adult things. You, on the other hand, are having dinner table conversations about cancer treatment, scan results, and your chances of survival. It makes it incredibly difficult to feel ‘normal’ because your worlds are suddenly entirely different.

2. Your friends won’t and don’t understand

Your good friends will feel for you, but unless they’ve been impacted directly by a cancer diagnosis, they likely won’t get it. Sure, some will try but some won’t. People will tell you that you find out who your true friends are, but the reality is those friends that disappear likely do so because they don’t know how to handle it. They won’t understand that your cancer isn’t something that comes and goes like a head cold, but it’s something that you now will carry with you the rest of your life.

3. Dating and relationships become increasingly difficult

As if dating in the twenty first century wasn’t already hard, now throw a life-threatening illness into the equation. Cancer becomes the number one priority in your life and forces you to be incredibly selfish. This makes developing and nurturing any type of relationship extremely hard. I was casually dating someone when I was diagnosed and instead of having a fun wine-night like we planned, I had to tell him that I had stage IV cancer. We hadn’t even defined our relationship yet (LOL) and he met my parents for the first time while I was in the hospital. The first year of our relationship was unconventional and almost entirely centered around my cancer. Most new relationships get to experience some sort of “honeymoon phase” and mine was filled with barfing, doctor appointments, body aches, tears, and very serious conversations.

4. Small talk and social settings become incredibly awkward

You’ll realize just how silly those conversations about the weather truly are. Your perspective is now completely changed and it’s almost as if nothing else matters. I found myself retreating from social situations because they were so uncomfortable. Oh, you want to complain about your job and/or your boyfriend? Sweet, let me tell you a little bit about what it’s like having cancer. Not to mention, most social situations with people my age involve alcohol. I was technically allowed to drink while going through treatment, but I had so many stomach issues that I was afraid to chance it. So now I got to be a Sober Sally AND have metastatic cancer. Cause that combination isn’t awkward, right?!

5. You'll experience attention-craving contradictions

You’ll find yourself struggling to be visible and invisible all at the same time. You’ll want credit for all the things you’re going through while trying to live a normal life. But at the exact same time, you don’t want anyone to treat you any differently. It’s frustrating as hell because you’ll bounce back and forth between those scenarios several times per day. You’ll get irritated when people don’t ask you how you’re doing and then get equally as irritated when they do.

6. There will be social media complications

If you decide to share your story on social media, it will become the way friends and family keep up with things. Very few will ask you directly, because they’ll get what they need from your Facebook post. I started documenting my “journey” on Instagram and later transitioned to a full-blown blog. While it was incredibly therapeutic for me to organize my thoughts and feelings and connect with other internet strangers experiencing the same thing, it also became somewhat of a social experiment for me. People engaged with the content when I had good news and yet were very hesitant to engage when I talked about uncomfortable things. They were very quick to comment on the posts with how happy they were when treatment was working. Comments and “likes” were drastically reduced when I shared my struggles and frustrations.

A community of young adult cancer survivors

I know I’m not the only young adult cancer survivor, or even young adult metastatic cancer survivor. In fact, about 5% of cancer diagnoses in the U.S. each year, are ages 15-39.¹ Among 25- to 39-year-olds, breast cancer and melanoma are the most common.¹ I wish I had found a community of people to help prepare me for all these things when I was diagnosed. Doctors do a great job of telling you what to expect in terms of treatment side effects, possible outcomes, etc. but you’re left to figure the rest out on your own. It’s difficult to find others that truly relate to what you’re going through and I felt myself sort of stumble through diagnosis, treatment and, now, survivorship.

What did I miss?! Share some of the things you’ve experienced being a young adult with cancer. Let’s talk!