When the Happiest Day of Your Life, Isn't!

"Your PET scan came back clear." I heard those words about 2 months ago. But after finding out there was no cancer in my body, nothing about my reaction, or the way I felt, was expected.

Free from melanoma!

I was sitting at my ‘work from home’ desk after being isolated for 2 months, on a Zoom call with 10 of my staff, when the doctors call came through. No signs of cancer...tears ran down my face.

After I hung up, I quickly called my family to let them know the great news. But I rushed the call because I was still in the Zoom meeting. I then told my team and they were all so excited for me and then we just resumed the meeting and life went back to normal. There were no hugs from my family, no celebration, it was just me. Alone in my apartment, feeling overwhelmed, with conflicting emotions.

Why do I feel like this?

At first, I was beyond happy and relieved, but those emotions quickly turned into feelings of loss, confusion, and unworthiness. For so long I had been hyper-focused on doing everything I could to get a positive outcome. From treatments to changing my diet, completely changing the way my business ran, to assessing all the relationships in my life. Not to mention completely reprogramming my mindset from pragmatic to positive. So after all of that, all of a sudden it was gone. I had achieved what I was working towards, but it felt like nothing, like something was missing.

When you've been working toward a goal for so long with a singular mindset, when it's over you expect a gold medal, a parade, a standing ovation, or a speech where you thank your parents and publicist. But in reality, it's nothing like that. One minute you have cancer and then the next you don't, but everything feels the same.

It was in the days that followed that I felt my lowest. The burden of feeling like I was ungrateful was hard to understand. Everyone around me was looking at me thinking, 'What's wrong with her, why isn't she over the moon?' It was as though I was on a comedown from the rollercoaster of emotions I had been on. I had been working so hard to stay positive for months and now it was all coming crashing down.

Conquering fear of recurrence

So you might be wondering, 'So what happened?' 'Are you happy now?' Yes, I'm happy. That feeling lasted a few days until I realized what I was really feeling. Fear!

Skin cancer is like that on-again, off-again boyfriend you can never seem to shake. The one that calls you drunk in the middle of the night. You can't prepare for it, you can't stop it and it's always in the back of your mind. I realized I couldn't let myself be truly happy and relieved, because melanoma lingers, in your body and in your mind. So now I am on a new mission, a mission to conquer the fear.