Advice Versus Advise: A Subtle Difference

A few weeks ago, I was looking through posts on a melanoma Facebook group page when I came upon a thread started by a young woman who recently had a melanoma in situ removed from her cheek. Her main question was about possible recurrence at that same site.

Giving skin cancer advice

The post received numerous comments, all of them supportive, with some advice about what to look out for and questions she should ask her doctor. This particular group page, like many others on Facebook, is a digital community for melanoma survivors/patients to ask questions and to offer support. The administrators are volunteers who do their best to monitor the group’s activity.

Note: In contrast, the Skincancer.net Facebook page is closely monitored by moderators and administrators who actively engage and support all those who post or comment.

That dreaded phrase: “It’s just...”

One of the first responses to the posted question about melanoma recurrence simply said, “It’s okay, it’s just in situ. Live your life.” This comment came from someone who also had an early-stage melanoma successfully removed. Wow, I thought. You never say "It's just..." to anyone with a cancer diagnosis – regardless of the stage or situation.

I realize the commenter was trying to be positive and reassuring, but she (the commenter) missed the point of the original question, which was about recurrence. Other commenters replied with supportive statements and shared their own experiences, while others provided statistics on melanoma recurrence along with links to reputable online sources.

After reading many of these comments, I also chimed in with a comment of support. I was struck by two things: (1) Commenters should be careful about advising anyone with a skin cancer diagnosis, and (2) In general, people should remember the old saying – sometimes the best advice is no advice at all.

Do you advise or give advice?

To advise means to provide guidance, offer an opinion or maybe even a suggestion. None of which are bad things, but there’s a fine line that some folks cross when offering an opinion or a suggestion regarding someone’s skin cancer situation. Regardless of our own skin cancer experiences, none of us are professionals and none of us have complete access to someone else’s background and medical history.

Advising someone with skin cancer to “Live your life” and “It’s just in situ...” may do more harm than good, even if the intent was to be supportive.

At the same time, offering advice can have both a positive and negative affect. Most of the time, however, I see online commenters offer solid, appropriate advice such as:

• Talk with your nurse and doctor
• Have an unusual spot or mole checked as soon as possible
• Be sure to schedule regular skin examinations
• Have your partner or loved one check your skin (routinely)
• Ask lots of questions and take notes
• Take care of YOU
• And, if necessary, get a second opinion

A subtle difference

For me, there’s a difference between commenters who want to share their thoughts (maybe in the form of advice) versus those commenters who urge others to follow their opinion (advise).  Think of advising as telling someone what to do, versus giving advice like making a suggestion. It’s a subtle difference, but, I believe, an important one.

I’ve been battling skin cancer for more than 25 years. If anyone has advice to offer, it would be me. But mostly I try to adhere to that old saying: Sometimes the best advice is no advice at all.

In other words, be supportive and listen.